I swear, the AR-15 is for hunting! Killing for food, now that's one thing I'm ready to make my Christmas dinner Santa's team's about to get a little bit thinner I got four twenty-round mags and a drum in my bag Goin' out back with my camo pants Watch out Rudolph, you're going down first Your head'll be on my wall, your nose my light, it can't get worse! My pickup truck is your hearse I just hope that I don't get cursed Santa's gonna have to buy a jet this year I look in Prancer's eyes and I see the fear Don't worry Dasher, I'll season you right Say goodbye to Dancer, hunting season is tonight! I'm hunting I'm hunting I'm hunting I'm hunting North pole covered in viscera Your soul's gone after I pick you up Use your fur to make me a coat Damn, you taste so much better than goat! North pole covered in blood Your soul's no going above Use your head as decoration It's time for Christmas celebration I'm hunting I'm hunting I'm hunting I'm hunting I'm hungry I'm hungry I'm hungry I'm hungry I'm hungry Bye, Dasher Bye, Dancer Bye, Prancer Bye, Vixen Bye, Comet Bye, Cupid Bye, Donner Bye, Blitzen DIE, RUDOLPH!

I gotta do some shopping Gonna do some limb chopping 'Cause it's Black Friday And I want those X-Mas deals I'm comin' to Wal-Mart in a tank Take 'em all down, rank by rank 'Cause it's Black Friday And I want those X-Mas deals I want that TV I want that Xbox I want that microwave I want that fridge I want a Bad Touch Krotchy And a Tickle Me Elmo I'm taking everything Your lives, an offering Go into Target and find some targets Best Buy? I best buy some bullets Macy's, I am getting hasty Hey, does Kohl's even still exist? I want that TV I want that Xbox I want that microwave I want that fridge I want a Bad Touch Krotchy And a Tickle Me Elmo I'm taking everything Your lives, an offering Pulling wallets out of the pockets Of bodies that pile up in the mall Store employees gotta go too On the blackest Friday, all will fall Throw you off your mobile scooter, Stomp your head into the ground Your gift card will never be found I'm shocked you didn't go sooner! Scorched remains, holiday offerings I've got the spirit! Black Friday! Black Friday! Genocide! Genocide!

Ooh, Mariah, can’t wait to get inside ya Pop out them tits, let’s make a Christmas hit All I want for Christmas is you to stop singing Your mouth can do better work, you know what I’m thinking Ever since you and I broke up, I still wanna fuck Guess I’m out of luck So I hope I can forget you Oh, my God, it’s November! Christmas songs come on before December! And now I have to hear her again! They let her out of her cage again! Mariah Carey is uncaged! Snoop Dogg and Jay-Z must be saved! Mariah’s got me in a rage! I hate! “Don’t do this man, You can save yourself for Doja Cat Mariah’s worth a lot of money” Oh, I don’t care, you’re dead, honey! God, I need to get that song out my head Fuck, I keep on seeing only red So I’m gonna aim at her head And paint the town red “Did you kill Mariah Carey?” “Yes.” “Why did you kill her?” “I was sick of hearing her every year on the radio.” “Sorry son, she survived.” “What?!” I write to you from prison In here, I am dead You aren’t You are alive, damn it Well, at least you’re ugly now.

What do I want for Christmas? Well, I want a house with two living rooms And a loud ass car that goes VROOM VROOM VROOM I want a new girlfriend, maybe even a wife! Fuck it, even a boyfriend will do, I want a new life! I want a guitar and a piano and a new drum set I want a sitar, another piano and relief of all my debt I want more socks, more shoes, more shirts, more hats, More clocks, more booze, more desserts, and more cats He's making a list and checking it twice But I'll be pissed if he doesn't check mine It's presents time tonight He better get my shit right Well, I want a new sex doll with big silicone boobs Santa better do me right, don't forget to add some lube I want back my ex and I want us not to fight Next time we have sex, I want her to peg me with all her might I want a fleshlight and a dildo and another love doll I want a hole that's tight and some blow and bigger balls I want more Pepsi, more gas, more hits, more chicks More pussy, more ass, more tits, more dick He's making a list and checking it twice But it'll be pissed if he doesn't check mine It's presents time tonight He better get my shit right He's making a list and checking it twice But it'll be pissed if he doesn't check mine It's presents time tonight He better get my shit right Well, what do I want? Now, what do I want? I want an AK-47 so I can take out my stupid neighbours I want a flamethrower so I can burn down my fuckin' haters I want a machete so that I can take it back to school And I'll take it into work to show my boss, he's such a fool I want a hammer so I can make all my bullies cry I want a grenade so I can get that damn house fly My private jet, I can always fly around I want a tank so I can blow up the whole fuckin' town What do I want? Now, what do I want? What do I want? Now, what do I want? What do I want? Now, what do I want? What do I want? Now, what do I want? Ya got all that?

Santa caught Sally playing with herself, and masturbation is a sin So he's gonna cop a feel and then he's gonna go in, in, in Emily stole some candy bars and lied and said she didn't Mister Kringle's gonna drop her drawers and steal something of hers, then He sees you when you're sleeping, and that keeps him awake! He knows if you've been bad or good, so lock your bedroom doors for goodness' sake! He's got two lists that he checks twice, he writes down if you're naughty or nice If you're a good girl, you get some treats, but if you're not, you get STDs! Santa's for a bitch on the side She'll have him take her for a ride Put her legs up on the back of the sleigh She wants Santa to keep bangin' her all day Evelyn got curious and walked in on her brother, so Santa's gonna have to get her first so he can bang her mother Eric was caught spray paintin' the sleigh, but he just gets coal 'cause Santa don't swing that way! He's got two lists that he checks twice, he writes down if you're naughty or nice If you're a good girl, you'll get some treats, but if you're not, you get STDs! Santa's for a bitch on the side She'll have him take her for a ride Put her legs up on the back of the sleigh She wants Santa to keep bangin' her all day Santa's Naughty List is gettin' long Kris Kringle has been doin' some wrong He goes down the chimney of every house He goes down on any creature, even a mouse One night, he got caught Video evidence of him gettin' hot He went to take the wrong girl this time Now all of Facebook knows of his crime Mrs. Claus knows you cheated! When you get back home, you're in for a beatin' It can't get worse, 'til she breaks your furniture Ya gonna get divorced for bein' a pervert! All your elves are gonna quit No more help for old Saint Nick Next year's Christmas is gonna be shit 'Cause now we won't get any god damn gifts! The moral of this story is Don't you be a cheating dick Your reputation will be torn So just whack off and stick to porn!

If I still want that new guitar, I better get on the Nice List If I still want that new sitar, I better get on the Nice List If I still want the invisibility cloak, I better get on the Nice List If I still wanna make all my enemies croak, might as well get on the Nice List Last year, I was naughty, this year I'll be nice I'll spread the message of cheer, I hope my efforts suffice Santa needs a helper, and these kids have been bad When I finish building the homeless shelter, I'm gonna show those brats who's the man! You got in trouble at school for not doing homework This year, instead of school, Santa's delivering his helper I'm gonna stuff you in your backpack 'til you are trapped in You'll suffocate and then you'll never be naughty again I'll show you naughty I'll show you naughty I'll show you naughty I'll show you naughty It's Christmas, and here's my gift to you A bit of coal and a bullet or two I know you're on the Naughty List, bitch I've been watching too You got in trouble at school for not doing homework This year, instead of school, Santa's delivering his helper I'm gonna stuff you in your backpack 'til you are trapped in You'll suffocate and then you'll never be naughty again I do what I must do To get on the list I do what he tells me to And obey his every wish I'll show you naughty I'll show you naughty I'll show you naughty I'll show you naughty I'll show you naughty I'll show you naughty I'll show you naughty I'll show you naughty My Christmas king My Christmas king Santa is my king Santa is my king My Christmas king My Christmas king Satan is my king Satan is my king

We got an Elf On The Shelf to get into the cheer But something's wrong with him, he's been leaving my kids in fear He's got a lazy eye and his mouth is never dry He stares at us sometimes, something is wrong with his mind The Elf On The Shelf's depressed, 'cause he doesn't get paid He watches us get dressed, and now my family's afraid He's got ADHD, he always fidgets with himself We should take him to a facility, or maybe we should just get a new elf We named him Bart, and he's had a rough start He isn't really smart, and now he's doing the TardBard He's a bit bi-polar, and schizophrenic too Lady at the store, I tried to show her, she said, "Ain't nothin' I can do!" Can someone save him? He keeps misbehavin' Can someone save him? He needs a safe haven In the shower, washin' my dick, and I caught that elf starin' Wipin' my ass after I took a shit, caught the elf starin' In my room, trying to jerk off, there's that elf again He started talking to me this time, motherfucker said "Tell me when!" Maybe it's Asperger's, or maybe he's just a pervert Santa must've dropped him, 'cause something's going on within He's got ADHD, he always fidgets with himself We should take him to a facility, or maybe we should just get a new elf Can someone save him? He keeps misbehavin' Can someone save him? He needs a safe haven Doin' the TardBard! Doin' the TardBard! Doin' the TardBard! Doin' the TardBard! Doin' the TardBard! Doin' the TardBard! Doin' the TardBard! Doin' the TardBard!

"Hey Santa, your ass is mine now, bitch!" On December 24th, Santa Claus came to visit the Smiths While dropping off presents, he went to check on Elizabeth He creeped upstairs, to get into her room But his fat ass footsteps made a loud ass boom! Her little brother, Jimmy, came to investigate the sounds But he would soon regret it, right as Mr. Claus turned around His fat ass gut slammed Jimmy and knocked him down the stairs Broke his neck, his back, and little knee, and he was just gasping for air Mr. and Mrs. Smith are taking Santa Claus to court They’re gonna get every penny he's worth So Santa, you better hire yourself a lawyer You’d better call Saul, or you’re in hot water! Santa was found guilty and convicted on all counts So then they had to transport him straight to the jailhouse In prison, he was met with every naughty kid who got coal Well, I can’t say much, but now Santa’s got a much wider asshole He met up with some kids who used to be nice They respected him cause he made their shitty lives better for one night They started a gang and called it “Saint Nick’s Elves” They all made shanks and decided to give the naughty boys some hell But everyone got in trouble, their sentences prolonged None of them had thought that what they had done was really any wrong But Santa got a gift of his own from the mayor “Santa Claus, we’re gonna let you out on good behaviour.” Mr. and Mrs. Smith are taking Santa Claus to court They’re gonna get every penny he's worth Santa did his time and got out fast You’d better be nice, or Santa’s gonna kick your ass! "Oh my god, did you hear what he did? I'm not letting him in my house, or near my kids after that little slip-up, ugh!" "I don't know, he could be innocent for all we know! It might just be cancel culture at this point..." "Fuck that, you know what he did!" Public perception of him was never the same He alone took all of the blame Nobody would let him in their house again Christmas seems to have met its end Santa got depressed, and missed his jail buddies He went to a random guy on the street who yelled, “Whaddya want from me?” He knocked that fucker’s lights out, and made his head spin Now he’s back in the prison again And he likes it!

The Grinch took Christmas so I took his fucking life I knocked Santa Claus out and then I fucked his wife I raped Mrs. Claus and I killed all her elves I then took a long pause to think, what can I kill, what else? Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen Faget, Stupid, Dumber, and Shitzen Those reindeer can fly alright They didn't fly high enough tonight Aimin' down my iron sights Shot 'em down, put up no fight I cooked and ate those bastards I wish I could have done it faster But it was midnight I had to deliver presents on Christmas night So I put dildos under the Christmas tree Inside the stockings, I hid some weed I put dead elves to block the chimney And all the kids cried on Christmas morning Fuck kids, I hate kids I killed the Grinch and I hate Christmas Fuck kids, I hate kids I killed the Grinch and I hate Christmas I killed Jesus We wish you a merry Shitsmas, we wish you a merry Shitsmas We wish you a merry Shitsmas, and a crappy New Year! We wish you a shitty Christmas, we wish you a shitty Christmas We wish you a shitty Christmas, and a crappy New Year! All our lives suck, we hope yours does too We wish you a shitty Christmas and a crappy New Year! We're all gonna die, hopefully so will you We wish you a shitty Christmas and a crappy New Year!

You're an asshole, Mr. Grinch You really misbehave You're a fugly green bastard, you need to learn to shave, Mr. Grinch You're a lazy fatass who lives in a disgusting fucking cave You're a bastard, Mr. Grinch Your best part's your asshole Your butt is full of spiders, you've got insects in your soul, Mr. Grinch I wouldn't fuck you with my thirty-nine-and-a-half-foot pole You're a sicko, Mr. Grinch You have termites in your dick You have all the tender sweetness of a skinhead with a brick, Mr. Grinch Given a choice between the two of you, I'd take the skinhead with a brick You're a foul one, Mr. Grinch Your ex wife was a skunk Your heart is full of used condoms, your soul is full of gunk, Mr. Grinch The three words that best describe you are as follows and I quote: "Stink, stank, stunk!"

In Halloweenland, we have the Pumpkin King October 31st, this is Halloween! But Jack's grown bored of our old scare routine He finds out Christmastown He's gonna bring it all around And show the world just what we've been missing out But I don't think I like that plan Those ornaments drive me mad Gotta stop it from coming back I'm out Break out Now I'm out Break out Now He wants to bring Sandy Claws in Well, now we've got to stop him He must've gone mad, we need a new King Pumpkin Well, maybe we ought to give it a chance So now, let's take a glance And maybe we'll get some presents Let's kidnap the Sandy Claws We know it's for a good cause Just hope he doesn't have anywhere to be I'm out Break out Now I'm out Break out Now

This New Year is gonna be great You know it's time to celebrate Kick it off with another damn war That's what we've been livin' for! Another year of bad politics An apathetic nation who gives no shits I heard they want to ban all cars And they're gonna blow up our bars Our next president is gonna kill us all He'll trap us in a giant wall And gas us all until we can't breathe He'll make sure we never leave We're gonna be divided even more And start our own racial-social war The white people are just gonna fight themselves While minorities don't even have to do much else Women are gonna rule the states And still get paid less anyways We're all going to go extinct 'Cause the first ones to go are the ones who think The next year of our lives will be hell My New Year's resolution is to hang myself Escape my hell This New Year is gonna be lame But that's just the way the game is played Kick it off with another damn war That's really all we're good for Progressives are going to go too far Conservatives are going to go too far Everyone's willing to go too far Is that who you really are? The next year of our lives will be hell My New Year's resolution is to hang myself The next year of our lives will be hell My New Year's resolution is to hang myself Escape my hell The next year of our lives could be hell My New Year's resolution is to hang myself The next year of our lives could be hell I'll never know once I hang myself We want to see things pessimistically Instead of thinking realistically But all it is is what you make of it I'll make sure this New Year's gonna be shit